Can I Have a Do Over?

I sit here this afternoon and all is quiet.  Even my puppy, Livvie, who keeps me constantly on my toes these days is sound asleep under my chair as I type.  The day is beautiful, warm and wind free...It is lovely.  I cannot say the same about this past week or myself, that's for sure.  This week my emotions swung from anger to sadness to disappointment to just plain depression.  Nothing brings to the surface all the sin in my heart like the emotions I have just listed.  I got angry this week at a family member, and as soon as the disbelief wore off, which only took a moment, I let the words tumble out...one angry word on top of another.  In that moment I felt justified.  I made sure that I called a couple of other family members so they could join the anger parade with me.  Sadly, I was successful.  Nothing is as contagious as talking about another with all the venom words can produce.  Toxic.  


God has had an ongoing conversation with me for heaven only knows how long about the words I use.  I love words...reading them, writing them, saying them, and  listening to them.  They are also my biggest weakness.  I have had some real victories in the area of my mouth, but this week was not one of them...not by a long shot.  I knew something was wrong the minute they left my mouth.  You can't be in Bible study everyday and not feel the presence of the Holy Spirit shaking His head inside your heart.  But in that moment, my anger trumped everything...common sense, self-control, every Bible study I have ever taken and even the Holy Spirit Himself.  I wanted to gather some  "righteously angry" people around me.  Note to self:  If you feel it necessary to inflame others to your cause, there is nothing "righteous" about your anger.  So let's fast-forward about 24 hours...


The next morning I woke up and did my Bible study as usual having not the least expectation that I was in for a "holy spanking."  The words that brought the "paddle" from the closet were:  "Please read James 3:13-18, then write the segment in the back of the book."  Let me refresh your memory...


"Who is wise and understanding among you?  Let him show it by his good life, by deeds done in humility that comes from wisdom.  But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth.  Such 'wisdom' does not come down from heaven but is earthy, unspiritual, of the devil.  For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice.  (Here is where the swats began for this girl)  But wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure, then peace loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy, and good fruit, impartial and sincere.  Peacemakers who sow in peace, raise a harvest of righteousness."  


I have a younger brother who is in a rehab facility who actually handled the news far better than I did.  When I called to talk with him, he told me he already knew but that he had fought the desire to call around to give everyone the bad news.  He said he decided to go into his room and pray, so for the past hour and a half he had been praying about this situation...until I called.  I hadn't prayed yet, just reacted...badly.  The more I think about my brother's reaction, the more I am humbled by it.  He reacted with wisdom.  I did not.


Yesterday was my birthday.  I am now fifty-five years old.  Old enough to get a discount at Denny's and Kohl's.  Old enough in the Lord to know better.  My sweet husband tried to give me a wonderful birthday, but I was in a bit of a depression.  I was so disappointed in myself.  That morning I had read Melissa's essay on "Wisdom and Gentleness" and saw a reflection of my own lack of gentleness and wisdom.  I so wanted a "do-over."  Still do.  Though that is not possible, what is possible is to remember this lesson for the moments in the future that will come...and I know they will come.  


I am changing.  I know I am.  I see the difference from the person I once was.  But how I wish I could live in a vacuum until I was perfected so that others would not be affected by my sin!  I pray that the next time my emotions rise unexpectedly to the surface I will be able to call on the wisdom that is RIGHT HERE within me and then choose His way rather than my own.  


Years ago when I did my very first women's Bible study, Peter walked in at the end of my study time.  I remember looking up at him and saying:  "This study is KILLING me!"  Now I hope it is true.


 Love to you my friends...


Cherri

Self-control

Hello, dear sisters,

I knew this one was coming. You cannot do a Bible study on developing good Christian character without tackling the area of self-control. My emotions were running on two tracks when I flipped the page this week and saw the words "self-control." On one hand, I was excited to get started. I know this is an area of weakness in my life, and I want to change to become more like my Savior. On the other hand, I was a bit melancholy because I know this is a weakness in my life, battling some of the same things for years, and another round of failure is not my idea of a good or profitable time. But because I am involved in this blog with you girls, I had to face the negative, put those thoughts down and go with the positive. And I am so glad that I did. God had something new waiting to be learned!!!:)

While reading the chapter this week in our Bible study, I was also following my daughter-in-law, Jen's blog on praying for sons. Each day Jen prays for a different character quality or aspect in a man-to-be's life. Wouldn't you know and you have probably guessed it... this week one of the topics was "self-control." In the curriculum Jen is using, the author said she recognized that in the realm of self-control, the real need is to pray that our boys would love Jesus more....more than the sin that is currently on the throne of their hearts.   She tells how one day she realized  she did love Jesus, but she loved Him less than a whole lot of other stuff in her life like looking good, filling herself up on her favorite food, and time to herself. She did love Jesus, but less than having her book published, less than getting even with her husband, yelling at her kids or getting her own way.  

That really convicted me. I thought about all the recent choices I made. Like that third cookie I ate last night. Throughout my adult life it has become very clear that food is one of my areas where I lack self-control, particularly when it comes to sweets. Yesterday evening, I heard the Holy Spirit gently prodding me to show self-control, but I ate that cookie anyway. No one was around to watch; no real pressing feelings of guilt until this morning after I read Jen's blog. At the end of her post, she asked what it was that we loved Jesus less than. Immediately that stinking cookie popped into my mind! Oh, I love Jesus, but I loved Him less last night than I loved that third cookie! I hope these words ring through my mind from now on when I am faced with a choice: "Do you really love Him less than that?" 

So at the end of this week, I can honestly say: I loved this week! I loved the exercise on pages 163-64; it helped me see old habits that I hadn't recognized before and gave me insight into what I could do everyday to replace the old with some wonderful new! The "Schedule Self-Test" was a great exercise in making me aware of what was motivating me and that my motivations are changing as I grow and change.  And Katie's ideas on creating a Sabbath rest whether it is weekly or daily are going to become more and more part of my life.

One thing is abundantly clear to me and that is...when it comes to this mouth of mine...what goes in and what comes out...needs to be under the control of the Holy Spirit.  And it is His Spirit in me that can create the self-control that I so desperately need!

How was this week of self-control for you, my friends?

Love from North Carolina!!!

Cherri